Joyful Surrender

It’s one of those times again…. I have been sensing change on the horizon. The Lord has been doing a work in me. Thankfully, it’s been a gentle work, rather than my whole world crashing in around me as it did a few years ago during Chelsea’s battle with cancer.

This change is different. I am different. I am changed – because of what He showed us those last several years. The things we had to endure were horrible, devastating in many ways. Yet at the same time, we got to see the Lord move in a magnificent way.

So now, I trust Him.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I am at peace. There is a contentment even, in knowing that I don’t have to worry. God knows what I need better than I do. My focus simply needs to be on focussing on what is right and true, remembering the promises in His word. (Jer 29:11, Prov. 3:5,6 and so many more…) This time of year, when it’s so easy to get caught up in the chaos.... keeping the main thing the main thing is more important than ever.

Today is a new day.

I will face it surrendered, and with much JOY.

CHRISTMAS JOY.

SEVENTEEN

Continuing with my theme of titling my posts with the first letter of the day of the week, I almost titled today's post, "Teary Tuesday".  It's early, but already I can tell it's going to be one of those days (insert big sigh here).

For most, today is simply Election Day - and this is my cue to remind you to get out there and vote.  I love how my friend Dave says it, "If you don't exercise your right to vote, you don't have a right to complain!".  If only you all could know Dave....

So today would be Chelsea Rae's 17th Birthday.  I watch her friends, and wonder what kind of things my baby would be doing.  What would her interests be?  There's a few given.  We probably would be going to the DMV today to test for her driver's license.  School would be causing grief and late nights working on projects.  There would be lots of giggles, texting and phone conversations - and yet at the same time there would be a maturity as she transformed into a young women.  Talk of college and dreams....  and Kate would want you all to know that she was the bestest big sister ever.

Where has the time gone? You should be here with me. I should be teasing you that I’m not going to let you get your drivers license until you’re 30.

New hairstyles, new music, new clothes…

Giggles.

Groans regarding homework and chores.

Drama over the little things.

Prayer over the big things.

Oh how I miss those times.

Today would be your day. Who knows how you would have wanted to celebrate?

I wonder about the little things… what would your favorite color be now. What kind of hair style would you chose. Would you have a rebellious streak, or would you be easy going as you go through these teen years – almost an adult...

Would you still have a heart for worship, or would you be so busy being busy?

I smile as I realize that your heart for worship now far exceeds anything we can grasp here on earth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


My heart aches as I miss my babe. No, this isn’t the way I planned for things to be at this time in my life.
Yet those who have been through trials and hardships – who haven’t given up – those are ones who truly know joy.

I have joy – in the midst of the trials. I have peace, even though I miss my baby. I have faith in God who loves me so much, and supernaturally carries me through. You may argue that He doesn’t care, or maybe even doesn’t exist. But that would be like trying to tell me that my best friend doesn’t exist. His presence has proven itself over and over in my life, so really, it doesn’t matter what others say or think.

I have hope in tomorrow. I have excitement, in the things that God is going to do in my life… and even more so, in the lives of others.

I have eternity.... with my baby.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,

• '"Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them.  They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!"  Then He said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."                    ~ Revelation 21:1-5

New Every Morning

So there I am this morning, sitting on this perfect bench. Enjoying the serenity of the crisp fall morning. The geese had spent some time diving for breakfast, and now had moved over to more shallow ground. The fish have begun their breakfast as well, and I watch as several leap out of the air, only to fall back making a most delightful splash. Some are close enough that it seems I can hear the slap as their bodies hit the water. It makes me wish Jeff were sitting here with me, since he is the mighty fisherman and all.

I hadn’t been out of the house much last week due to ‘the crud’, but this morning I had to be up early, not only to get my Monkey to school and prepped for school pictures, but to be at the school to have my picture taken. You see, I get a fancy volunteer badge to wear on the days I go in to help in her class. Monkey is especially excited about this ‘offiical identity’ I will have, and she hopes that I get the gray background like she chose to have for her pictures this year. She makes me giggle. (Side note: So how come we didn’t ever get to chose colors and backgrounds for our pictures?)


So having had cabin fever the last several days made this morning especially nice. I had expected rain, so to have sunshine was a sweet treat, and it was my intention to soak up as much of it as I could.


The park was quiet except for the wildlife. It was perfect. I sat there praising and thanking the Lord for my family. As I’m thinking about Jeff, I get a sweet text from him. Have I mentioned that the Lord’s timing is perfect?


After having sat there for a while, I reluctantly got up to head home, mentally motivating myself with my to do list. Yes, I have simplified things, but I still have lists with much to do, lol.


I start walking down the path, and am approached by this sweet old looking dog named Ernie. I notice that Ernie only has 3 legs. Poor old fella. Ernie’s person isn’t far behind with 4 more rescue dogs circling around her, one even being pulled in a wagon because he was abused and can’t walk much. As I’m petting Ernie’s head, it’s then that I learn that Ernie had lost his back left leg to bone cancer 6 months ago and it has now spread to his lungs. Ernie is 12.


The similarities (yes, I realize Ernie is a dog…) hit me like a brick, and I am flooded with memories and emotions of my Chelsea Rae. Left leg (she was going to have her femur removed), spread to lungs, 13 years old.


And he looks up with me with those sweet, big brown eyes.


“Really?” (insert sarcastic tone here)


No, I didn’t say it out loud, that’s the only word that describes my mindset. Did I mention that I was hit by a brick? Yeah… make that a ton of bricks.


Did I mention that God’s timing is perfect?? Yeah, so maybe not sometimes.

Okay, maybe I don’t always ‘feel’ like His timing is perfect…. But His timing really is perfect. Trusting in that truth, I surrender. I decide not to step back up on my pity pot, but instead, I brace myself for what’s to come.

My agenda for the day has come to a screeching halt. Oh, I will still get some things done, but my mental state will be focussed on so much more. It has slowed me down, but that’s a good thing. As I dig into His word I will be refreshed. Already, from a simple facebook update, I have been encouraged and loved, and the simple compassion that others have towards me brings me to tears. There is nothing quite as rewarding as being genuinely, unconditionally loved.

And if  they ’love me that much – then how much more does my heavenly Father love me?

Enough to send His one and only Son on my behalf. He knows and understands my pain even more than I do. I am thankful that I have the peace that only He can bring.

And I will continue to praise Him.

"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not

As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

 "Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—

"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

       ~Thomas O. Chisholm (1866-1960)

Easter Blessings

Gosh, I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I’ve been on here and posted. I figured I’d better report that things are good, and the only thing gloomy lately is the weather.

We had a wonderful Easter. Kati is the perfect age to really get into it. The last couple of weeks at preschool have been filled with fun projects of eggs and baskets - as well as learning the history and story of the Resurrection. Her, Bahama and I had a great time coloring eggs and she was delighted with her Easter Basket that held her new pink Strawberry Shortcake basketball. Since Daddy’s been watching March Madness, she’s been interested in basketball. It’s been fun with a couple of hoops out back, though she is only interested in trying to figure out how to dribble.

We spent the day surrounded by friends and family and it really was very sweet. We were presented with Memory books of Chelsea that several worked at putting together for us. Kati has her own special book that I am so thankful for so she will always be able to see how much she was loved by her sissy. Haiden also put together a wonderful story book for Kati about Princess Chelsea, Princess Kati, the Dragon (cancer) and the Prince (Jesus). It is beautiful and will be treasured for years to come. I will try and get pics and the story posted on here soon for you all to see.

The migraine continues to keep me from the phone, but I’m hoping in the next few months to be feeling better than ever. We are looking forward to spring and summer…. BBQ’s, camping, vacations and simple weekend getaways. Jeff and I celebrate our 14 yr anniversary tomorrow - and I am so thankful for what God has done in us through this last year. He definitely gives us reason to be thankful and to celebrate.

So that’s about it for now. I hope to post again in the next few days.

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Springtime Blues???

Springtime Blues?
Is that even possible?? Something happened when we turned the calendar to March. I don’t know how to explain exactly. I have been so anticipating spring … days at the park with Kati, walks with our dogs, cleaning up the much neglected yard. And I’ve loved the sunshine on the days we’ve had it.

But something’s changed. I didn’t really recognize it until I shared with a friend this morning. I'm finding this time of year is really weird for me... as last year we were just in the midst/beginning of chemo treatments. I remember feeling like we were constantly at the hospital so much that we missed spring and a big chunk of summer. Now that I get to enjoy the seasons again, I almost feel guilty doing so.... like I'd rather be at the hospital with my baby.

...

Not to worry though. This weirdness only comes in waves, and overall, we are doing really well. Kati is growing and maturing like crazy, and loves her preschool. It really will be nice to be outside more with her since she is so busy. She has friends that she constantly talks of and wants to spend time with.

Jeff is great. He takes such good care of us. We’re so thankful for the job that he has and for the friendships he has there. Though he has been there long enough (since before we met) that I tease him about being old. His salt and pepper hair proves it.

And I am good. I’m excited for summer and lots of time with friends and family. Physically, I am feeling better than I have in years. After Kati was born, the migraines had been intense daily. A new program that I’m on seems to be having some sweet results after just being on it a month. Since it’s a more holistic approach, I’m not having the negative side effects of so many other treatments that I’ve tried. I pray this continues, for I really do enjoy feeling better - and appreciate the good days like never before!

Doernbecher Children’s Hospital has invited us to their annual Memorial Service that honors and celebrates the lives of patients who have died this last year. That will be the first week in April. It will be good to connect with the other families that we knew, as well as the Doernbecher staff that we learned to love over those months. I’m sure it will be bittersweet. I’m so proud of my Chelsea Rae and the impact she has made. People have shared so much over the months about how Chelsea’s journey impacted them, that I truly do consider it an honor to be her mom.

God is good.

I recently heard a phrase that is so true (thanks Dionne!):

“ Sometimes God calms the storm.
Sometimes God lets the storm rage, and He calms His child. ”

- Author Unknown

With that I will close.

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Signs of Spring

Okay, so as my baby sleeps right here next to me and all is calm and quiet, I thought it would be the perfect time to post an update. I’m amazed at how quickly time is flying by. With the sunshine comes a new sense of keeping busy…. there always seems so much to be done.

I am loving the bright days, the sense that spring is on it’s way. Daffodils are starting to sprout, the days are getting longer. There’s something very refreshing about this time of year.

We are doing good, not a whole lot new and exciting. Let’s see, at the beginning of the month, we took part in a fundraiser for Doernbecker sponsored by a local country radio station. Who would have ever guessed that their “bowling tournament” would start at 6:15 in the morning? It did, but it was fun! The live broadcast kept it entertaining, as well as the "build your own bloody mary bar" that kept many around us lively to say the least.

CHELSEA RAE'S CALVARY CRUNCH

Our team was called “Chelsea Rae’s Calvary Crunch” with Jeff, Tim Ralls, Dave Curtis and Pete Broughal. We were kind of an underdog team, as there were many big name corporations represented... even a military team showing their support.

We hadn’t ever been to “Big Al’s” bowling alley up in Vancouver, and the place was amazing in itself. Like a mini city. Entering it felt like walking into a mountain lodge with large beams and tall ceilings. “Slider Alley” was a second area of lanes with contemporary couches and just a cool place to hang out. The restaurant had a huge 36 FEET by 8 ft screen that looks very inviting for next year’s NFL season… with cool stadium seating and great billiards tables. We’ll definitely go back - a great place to hang with friends. They even do “grown up” birthday packages…. Party packages aren’t just for kids anymore! Themed buffet options and several other treats make it a cool event even more the “biggest” of kids. How cool is that?!

Kati is doing great in preschool. I got to spend the day with her class for their valentine’s party and what a kick that was. Though I’m not sure I liked it much when she ran off on the playground with one of her little friends… a boy… and they were holding hands! Then, to top it off, they got in a little play car and were “cruising”. She’s something else, that’s for sure, and somehow always manages to make me smile.

One of the highlights so far for me this month was when several of our friends got together to make memory books for us. One for Kati, and one for Jeff and me. A huge thanks to Haiden for coordinating such a special project. Linda drove down all the way from Northern Washington, and Dionne made it from central Oregon, and I’m so thankful to them, to all the other ladies who gave their time for this, and to everyone who sent in their story of how Chelsea impacted them. I was able to make it to the “party” on Friday night - we laughed, we cried. It was good. I couldn’t make it back in on Saturday, though many ladies spent their day there working on this heartwarming project. I can’t wait to see the finished result. We are continually amazed and the love and support we receive. Again, thank you.

With that, I will close. I’m feeling good these days and hope to be posting a bit more regularly. We’ll see…

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6 Month Milestone

So today marks the 6 month anniversary since Chelsea Rae went home to be with Jesus and close to the one year point of the initial diagnosis. In the book of Joshua, he demonstrates the importance of building/leaving monuments and remembering God‘s faithfulness. So that’s what I’m going to do today. I’ve been doing some reflecting, and I smile as I remember my girl. I’m including some of my favorite “Chelsea Quotes” as well as some more phone clips…. and a poem that is everything I’d love to say and didn’t know how. Enjoy!

From Chelsea Rae’s journey:

"Don't worry about a thing, the Lord WILL get us through this, we just need to trust in HIM. LOVE YA LOTS!!!"

“I love you guys, and may the LORD bless your socks off 24/7!!! And remember, ALWAYS trust in HIM. Thanks again. Chat with ya later!!!

~Chelsea Rae (who loves bright green even more than pink.....)”

“ooxxooXoXXx (for those Nacho Libre fans!)”

“Please pray that I can put all my trust in God and in Him alone.”

“Thank you sooo much 4 all of the encouraging scriptures. Here is one of my favorites... Matthew 13:44 "The kingdom of is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."
In this parable the man is like Jesus Christ, who went and gave EVERYTHING He had by dying on the cross to save US from OUR sins. He did it because He loves EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US!!! Even if there was only one person in the whole world, He still would have done it because HE CARES.”

“Thank u all sooo much 4 the prayers and encouragement. The Lord is comforting us and it is great 2 know that I get 2 go b with him 4 eternity.”

“Don’t be sad, God doesn’t want you to fix this or you would.” She knew how as parents we felt so hopeless that we couldn‘t make her better, and yet she was the one who’s faith encouraged me.

Remembering
Go ahead and mention my child
The one that died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
the depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
the tears I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she is missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
(by Elizabeth Dent)

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Ready for 2008!

Well, it’s a new year, that’s for sure.

I’m looking forward to 2008 and all it brings. So far it’s been off to a busy start. New Year’s was my birthday, and I have to say that it was a more difficult day than Thanksgiving and Christmas combined. I wasn’t prepared for the memories that bombarded me the day after Christmas - when the countdown to my birthday would begin. I had forgotten how Chelsea would get so excited for my day - teasing me about how old I was getting, stressing about not having gotten me a gift yet…. Working at making me that perfect homemade card. I use to love her excitement - for as many of you know - I personally don’t get excited about my birthday. On Thanksgiving and Christmas, we stayed so busy that I didn’t have time to dwell on me - yet on my birthday, no matter how hard I tried, the focus was continually on me. Phone calls, emails, birthday cards… all very sweet and I’m so thankful to have those in my life who remember… but also a constant reminder that I wasn’t hearing from the one I wanted most to hear from.

But that’s okay. It’s done. It didn’t get better right away with migraines and Kati getting some kind of stomach flu the day before she was supposed to be the flower girl in Mary’s wedding…

… but what a beautiful wedding it was! Jeff helped much with the decorating, and Kati loved hanging out with the radiant bride. It was a special day that we will always remember.

The sun is out today, though I am a tad disappointed that we didn’t get any snow last night. I found a video clip on my phone from Jan 16 of last year - of Chelsea and Kati playing in the snow. It seems like lately I’ve been bombarded with memories.

Jeff and I had a fabulous time at the coast just before Christmas. It was the first year that I had everything done days ahead of time. That’s something I hope I accomplish next year as well. We had a great storm and a great room, and I’m so ready to go again.

We have a retreat planned in a few days that will be refreshing - up towards Mt. Hood - again, hoping for a few minutes in the snow - and hours by the warm fireplace. We’ll be with some of our closest friends, and I’m looking forward to it big time.

Jeff has been busy lining up those camping reservations for the summer as well. I’m so glad he does that, for him getting a jump start makes it so we have some pretty sweet places to stay. Of course, we’ll be hitting Beachside at least a couple of times. He’s itchin’ for some new toys - Polaris like - so we’ll see what happens.

I guess that’s about it. I’m not feeling super chatty these days (obviously) - and I apologize to those of you whom I still haven’t returned phone calls to. The migraine has been pretty intense and I haven’t had the phone ringers on in some time. However, I do still check my email and myspace pretty regularly (which in fact has been quite fun lately as I’ve recently been reconnected with 2 friends from school).

There is much happening that is promising for a good year to come… new migraine treatment, new ministry opportunities, recreation, new friendships, and of course, time with our loved ones whom we treasure more than ever. Not forgetting those life lessons that we learned through last years trials, and applying them now to make this year one of the best yet!

Happy New Year!

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Tis the Season

We had an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving. This year, the family decided to change things up a bit and we gathered with friends and put together a large dinner at our church, about 7 turkeys & 2 hams worth. The big kitchen was full of giggles which made the hard work seem like play. Keeping busy kept Jeff and me from pondering too much over Chelsea’s absence. Being surrounded with loved ones made the day sweeter than the sweet potatoes that were covered with brown sugar and marshmallows.

But now I see signs of Christmas everywhere. For a while, I was having a really hard time with the upcoming holiday - though my soul is constantly reminded that Christmas isn’t about me. Yes, there are many traditions that we shared with our girl, and it’s going to be different and difficult. I’m not even going to attempt looking at our ornaments - too many have her name on them or were made by her. But I am going to focus on what Christmas is all about: Celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.

With that, I can let go of the emotional fears, the pain. I can celebrate - for because of Jesus, I will be reunited with my daughter someday. This hope brings peace.

And Kati girl brings JOY. Much joy. She is the perfect age to get excited about Christmas, and I find myself getting excited with her. She wants a tree. She’ll love the lights daddy puts up. I look forward to the new memories that we will be making, and I am so thankful for my precious gift of a daughter. Things would be so lonely right now without her.

I love the crisp air and the sounds of Christmas - to drive down the streets and see the lights already. Even something as simple as decorating my MySpace page helped me to realize just how much I love Christmas - no matter what I’m going through.

So I will remember that Christmas wasn’t established to celebrate us and all that we desire, and the hustle and bustle of it all, though that is what it has become in our culture. Rather, it is to celebrate the simple and humble message of Christ, and a thankfulness for all that I have been given because of Him.

Keeping Christmas simple, and appreciating it more than ever.
I am blessed.

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Normalcy

Last Year's "Normal" Thanksgiving

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I am amazed at how fast time seems to be flying by - yet the pain still seems slow and steady. I wouldn’t expect it not to, I wouldn’t want it to fly like Time. But still, it seems strange.

People ask us if things are back to normal. I know what they mean, and I know that they are genuine when asking. Yet from our perspective, things are so not normal. We smile, and talk of our “new normal”… but really, what is normal?

Normal: adjective: Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical:
Functioning or occurring in a natural way; lacking observable abnormalities or deficiencies.

I don’t know. Normal would be carrying on with the same routine that I have for the last 13 years raising my girl. Normal would be home school and McDonald’s and giggles and eye rolling. Normal would be finally sitting down and having a Star Wars marathon. Normal would be wondering how long she would want to be hanging out at Lele’s house before finally agreeing to come home. Normal would be loading her ipod with her latest favorite songs. Normal would be telling her to put her shoes away.

Normal wouldn’t hurt so bad.

Normal wouldn’t bring tears at the thought of sending out Christmas family photos without both my girls in them.

Yet if things were still normal, I would be naïve to so many things that have now invaded my life. Childhood cancer. Chemotherapy. Alternative medicines. Oncologists lingo.
Grasping for any minute ounce of good when my world is shattered.
Smiling at a nurse who is does things for my child that I cannot. Slowing down. Appreciating every breath, every hug, every smile, every tear, every word.

Learning to rely on others. To let others come alongside in so many ways.

The fight for life.
The surrender.
To wish it was my life instead of hers.

Suffering. There is none worse than having to watch your baby suffer.

Drawing closer to God - because He is the only one that can bring peace.

I do have peace. It hurts, but we are okay. This has changed us. Has drawn us closer. Has made us more aware of what’s important… and what’s not. There isn’t much that we take for granted.
We are blessed in so many ways.

The pain will ease some, I know. Some may consider my scarred heart even more beautiful. I don’t know about beauty, but I do know that it’s not nearly as fearful as it used to be. I know that I am stronger, that there is more to this life that I haven’t experienced. That Chelsea’s story will continue to impact many… for years to come. That God will somehow use me still.

Nights seem to be the most challenging, but in the morning will come joy. Probably as my lil’ Kati Joy crawls into bed with me - and soon afterwards starts telling me that she wants breakfast. She fills my day and keeps me busy - the greatest blessing so far.

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Purple Potatoes!

Purple Potatoes??!!

So I had some Kale in the fridge that I decided I would experiment with for a new soup. I made my weekly trip to Trader Joe’s, and lo and behold, PURPLE POTATOES! How cool is that??

Kati’s favorite color right now is Purple, so these were a must for my soup. Imagine my delight when I cut into them, and realized that the centers have purple streaks…. almost like a star or snowflake design. Throw in some ground turkey (Italian style), sweet onions, kale, garlic and seasonings - and I’m hoping for a delicious and colorful dinner.

Sooooo, we made it through our “First” birthday….
…. The flowers, the cards, the calls, the donations to charities that had impacted Chelsea, the prayers. I am truly blown away at how many of you not only remembered, but also let us know in some way. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It helped. We feel so surrounded and so loved. I know that there are many who know of my tendency to avoid the phone - and had talked to Jackie about what I prefer. You know who you are, and know that just knowing that we were on your minds and in your prayers is just as appreciated.

I think the week leading up to her birthday was actually harder than the day itself. My bright spot was on Thursday when I had the privilege to go up to Doernbecher to see our 9 year old friend Kennedy who is battling Leukemia. It was my first time up there since being there with Chelsea, and it was so much better than I anticipated. Kennedy met me outside, and the brightness of her smile and her genuine delight to see me removed any hint of sadness about being there. We had a great visit, my friends Lisa and Emily gave her a makeover and spoiled me too (I had become quite attached to the Starbucks located in the lobby…).

I was met and welcomed by many familiar faces, and realized that I miss many of the friends that we have made up there. So many who gave it there best to help my girl. Many who were impacted by her and loved by her. It was good, and I hope to go back again soon. I hear that Frank the art guy is still doing his thing, so maybe I’ll start hanging out with him and the kids getting crafty. Arts and crafts were such a blessing to us, and kept Chelsea’s mind and hands occupied for many hours.

We decided to make one last run to LaPine for the season before the snow comes - and I’m so glad we did. Late night chick flicks, remembering Chelsea with sound clips/video clips, wrestling my “adopted” nephews Red and Landon, Kati making cookies with Aunt Dionne, the NFL game of the century (or so they say)… and defiling the “man cave” with candles - and just being together. It doesn’t get any better than that. Thank you Randy and Di for letting us hang. You rock.

And with that, my soup’s about done,
The potatoes: still purple.

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Happy Birthday Baby

A year ago we were celebrating Chelsea Rae becoming a teenager. She was stoked, she could no longer be called a “pre-teen”. At the time, I thought that my biggest battles were going to be those of her being a teen and all that would come as a result.

If only I could trade back for those battles now. What I wouldn’t give for a good back talking, head butting argument with my girl.

It was actually becoming quite fun, her becoming a young lady and all. We would shop together, and tease each other because our taste in clothes were so different. Purses and shoes though, now there’s something we agreed on!

I found myself going back through my journals of last year, trying to remember exactly what we did for her birthday. She had wanted a cell phone - a pink razor. We were still saying no (of course, she did get her pink razor with unlimited texting not long after…).

It was sweet as I reminisced on the concert that we took her and Lele to - Jeremy Camp, Adie Camp and her favorite (until she met the guys of Kutless) - Hawk Nelson. It was a good birthday, one that she was very excited about. I remember that we had kept the concert a surprise to her… having the tickets months in advance. I remember the silly yellow Hawk Nelson shirt she had to have with the lyrics from their song “Tried to Be” that she would sing all the time. I remember her black shoes with stars on them that she had me write “Hawk Nelson” on the fronts. I don’t think we could have made it any better, even if it we knew then that it would be her last birthday with us. What a relief that is to me… what a relief that we didn’t slack on the birthday with the assumption that we would make up for it next year. We celebrated, and it was great. What a blessing.

As I came to the journal entry from Easter, I was reminded of just how well she handled her cancer battle. It had been a rough day for me. Later that night, she comforted me saying, “Don’t be sad, God doesn’t want you to fix this or you would.” She knew how as parents we felt so hopeless that we couldn‘t make her better, and yet she was the one who’s faith encouraged me. I am thankful for her trust in God even when we didn’t understand, and I am thankful that she knew that we would do whatever we could to take away her pain and suffering if only we were able.

I am so thankful for my baby girl. She taught me so much about unconditional love. There’s something about being a parent, of holding your baby for the very first time - a love that words just can’t describe. In the years when I was discouraged, I always knew that at least my baby loved me. Because of her I am a better person, a better mother, a better friend. God gave me such a precious gift 14 years ago today - a gift that would forever change me, and so many others.

Happy Birthday Baby.

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More Than a Memory

It’s already starting to happen. I’m meeting people, new friendships are developing. “Great!” you might say. Don’t get me wrong, I love all the connections that God has blessed me with.

So where does my hesitation come from?

Simple. These new friends never met Chelsea. They don’t know that giggle… those flaring nostrils.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that I am going to hang tight to those friendships with those who are part of our lives now who knew her. For those of you who not only knew her, but loved her as well - you will always hold a very special place in my heart. You are a blessing to me, because you loved my baby. To you, she is not just a name. As her mommy, I will hang tight with every ounce I have (trust me, that’s a LOT of ounces!) to her memory.

It’s the strangest thing to talk of my baby in past tense. “This WAS her favorite movie… She LOVED that…. That’s how she USED TO wear her hair….. She WOULD HAVE loved that shirt….”. It goes on and on.

And if I’m telling someone of my girl, and they’ve never met her… well, it’s only words. People look at me with that look - they want to help, to say something - but really, we all know how difficult that is. It’s just hard, because Chelsea was so much more than just words, no matter how descriptive they are.

She is so much more than a memory, if that makes any sense to you. I could use every word imaginable, and still not find the right ones to describe this.

So, on a more upbeat note, Kati had a GREAT birthday! We are a blessed family and I am so thankful for my hubby and daughter. Celebrating her birthday, celebrating her life, had a whole new meaning and depth to it this year, and how great it was to share that. Her party was a blast and the only downer was that it didn’t last long enough. We had it at a gym, and Kati and her friends were entertained and entertaining at the same time.

So I’m finding that as I hang onto those precious memories of Chelsea, it’s time to make new memories as well. Birthday parties, game nights…. finding a new pumpkin patch that even compares to the one we’ve gone to for years… these things all can be fun and exciting as we allow God’s healing hand in our lives.

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Endorphins, the BEST Medicine!

One Day at a Time…
…. One moment at a time….
…. One second at a time…..

What a weird couple of weeks this has been. I have totally been feeling out of sorts to say the least. I had had a couple of weeks of migraine relief which was so nice. Then last week, it hit hard and fast and had me down for several days. Those days were really tough, probably the toughest yet in all this.

So I keep looking for those little things that make me smile. God promises to always meet us, to never give us more than we can bear. He is faithful. I have to admit though, on those days that I’m in a “funk”, I don’t really see the little things through all my tears. But guess what? He counts those too. When I think I get so far from Him, I realize how close He really is. It’s in those times that I have to trust, to walk in faith.

Little things make me smile. A kind word of encouragement, a kiss on the cheek from a friend, the sound of my fountain and wind chimes, Kati’s giggles. My puppy makes me smile… lots! He’s so soft and cuddly and all he wants is to be close to me. Watching my dogs play, growling like bears (appropriate since the pup looks almost like a mini polar bear at times). Okay, with that one, I’m not just smiling… I’m full out laughing, sometimes on the floor even! Helping with the men’s breakfast at church, or preparing to dig into the Angel Tree project. Hearing positive updates from other kids with cancer. Brand new babies and lunches with friends. Really good coffee made by really sweet ladies (snicker doodle with a dash of cinnamon is my most recent flavor fave - add an extra shot, would ya?)

Kati’s preschool paintings. Now there’s something that really makes me smile. This lil’ girl loves to paint and recently came home with the most beautiful picture of the ocean - fish and all! Or her excitement for her birthday party coming up. If you really want to grin, you should hear her and our neighbor’s sweet lil’ ones giggling and singing together. Stinkin’ cute I tell ya! And when I reflect on how our neighborhood used to be just a few years ago compared to now, I smile. Before Kati, there weren’t small children, now we are surrounded with lil’ playmates for her. And what great neighbors we have all around… good friendships have been developing these last few years, and for that I am thankful.

If I get the focus off myself and my pain, then there is much joy in the simple things. I have to remember that Chelsea doesn’t have pain anymore and she would want me to smile (why that brings guilt, I’ll never know…).

So then, I have to wonder… does anyone relate?
When you’re having a rough go of things, as we all do - what types of things make you smile?

Please leave a comment - it will make me smile!
(but know that it does take a while to post - I have a filter set, so it takes a lil’ longer… but don’t let that stop ya : )

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Blessed in the Mist...

… Or should I say fog?

We had a wonderful time camping at the beach this last week. Yes, there was fog - but just enough to enjoy it without it getting too cold and dreary. The weather was great (warm & sunny) up until the last day, and even the storm I enjoyed since we stayed dry and cozy.

The sand, surf and sunshine are always good for my soul. It was a little difficult the first day, because it was the same spot that we camped at with Chelsea back in June. We had reserved these dates 9 months ago before we even knew of her diagnosis. Sometimes I’m still shocked at how quickly our lives have so changed.

Yet it was really good. We had sweet memories of our Chels there. I did have an episode where I got pretty upset with a man who was determined to burn the log where Chelsea had spent much time digging in the sand. Funny that I let a log get so precious to me, and embarrassing at the same time. Okay, so it wasn’t just a log, it had part of the root system that stuck up causing it to stand out a bit, and it was just feet away directly in front of our site on the beach. I asked (okay, pleaded) with the guy not to burn it, but his immediate and determined response was that he had to because he had a 30 person party coming that night and they needed a “wind barrier”. I couldn’t believe it - the log survived all these weeks since we had been there last - and then bam! On my first day someone wants to burn it! He didn’t have an ounce of compassion towards me, but thankfully, his wife did, who had walked up and heard my request. I later saw her grab the shovel from him as he was digging a pit under it, and they were still able to have a great fire there without touching Chelsea’s log.

Chelsea's log back in June when she had written

really big in the sand next to it,

" I (heart) U MOM ! "

It took about an hour for the emotional flood to pass, and once I was able to get the focus off of me and my loss, I really started feeling sorry for that guy. He seemed so calloused. I really felt bad for him. I had to wonder what would cause a person to respond the way he did. I mean, I totally understand the lure of a great fire - it’s Jeff’s most favorite part of camping and he would LOVE to torch such a hunk of wood. Yet if Jeff (or pretty much anyone I know) had been approached with such a plea during the preparations, he wouldn’t have thought twice about halting his efforts and coming up with another plan. Now when I remember the incident, I simply hope and pray that that man will find peace and joy someday…. And I realize how blessed I am to have the husband, friends and family that I do - a support of people who without even thinking put the needs of others before their own.

We had Jackie and her kids with us, and Kati was constantly entertained and looked after. Shovels, buckets, kites, dogs, boards, shops, farmer’s market, chowder, sunsets , campfires and books filled our time. Jeff’s parents surprised and blessed us with not only a visit, but an overnight stay! We hope to have them join us more in the future, and I’m pretty confident that they’re up for such expectations. All in all, it was a wonderful week. Now if I could just get my mounds of laundry done and calls/emails answered!

Plenty of time to monkey around!

On a more sobering note, a very special uncle of mine passed away recently. Uncle Greg will always be remembered for his constant teasing when I was little. When I was around him, I always had a smile on my face. I am blessed as I remember that Chelsea Rae got a taste of his humor and jesting when we camped with the family at Yosemite when she was almost 7. Yet again, another big blow and loss for my family - and my heart and prayers go out to the Dutra’s. I love you guys and am so sorry for the pain that you once again have to endure.

Though we are hurting here, we are doing really well considering. I know that we are being carried and changed. I am not as traumatized by those final days, and I find myself smiling more as I remember my baby. I’m not expecting a quick fix and know that I have many difficult days ahead - but I do rest in knowing that each day it’s going to get a bit easier as we transition. That phrase, “life is hard” that was so prominent in the 80’s comes to mind. I agree now more than ever. It is, but God is good. He never promised that it would be easy - and I look forward, now more than ever, to entering those Heavenly gates and forever being in His presence.

I guess you could say that I am “Holding onto Heaven”.

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