Another Turn....

So my daydream of having more time for Pinterest didn't quite work out as planned.  But that's okay, since I really have so much that I'd like to do away from the computer anyway.

"This Little Piggy" photo by me

I thought I would check in on here though to let you know that we are all doing well and are very much anticipating the arrival of spring.  It looks like we may have a  few more kiddo's running around here soon.  Now that I'm feeling so much better, I have decided to open up our home to do daycare again.  It's been a while (since Chelsea was little) since I have done it, but have been so blessed over the years to learn what an impact it has had on those families.  I wish I would have known then what I know now.  Now that I know, and have grown a little wiser in my years, I feel that I can contribute even more.  I have a lot of love to give!

I am still amazed at how much more I appreciate the little things.  I know that comes from loss - not only of loved ones, but of my health as well.  I hated the feeling of not being able to function as I once had.  My friends seemed to be continually running circles around me.  They may still be lapping me, but I have  picked up the pace a little bit.  I want what I do with my days to count for something - so once again, I look forward to this "turn" in my journey...

"You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.
      My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;
      at best, each of us is but a breath.” 

Psalm 39:5 NLT

Even in the Small Things

This morning as I was walking, I passed by a tree that was totally covered with frost.  It was so stunning that I had to stop and turn around for a second look.  There were buds already, brilliantly covered with beautiful bright, crisp, minute icicles.  I contemplated taking a picture right then, but kept walking since there were neighbors out and about.  I decided that my camera wouldn’t have been able to capture the beauty, and really, I have so many pictures already…. Who would want to see one of frosty tree buds?

My heart is heavy this morning, as I have a few friends going through some really tough things – so tough that I found myself weeping as I prayed for them.

As I opened up a new devotional to restore my soul, the message was meant for me… and meant for me to share.

From Daily Readings for Difficult Days by Jennifer Carter:

“ … as I innocently bustled my way…. I see the light catching the branches of a tree – nothing surprising you may say.  What struck me is that, even now, before the harshest day of winter has come, the buds of next year's leaves are already furled up waiting for that first warm day of spring.

Even in our darkest times there is the promise of something better to come, if we can only believe and stand firm.  As surely as the seasons come and go, so the dark times eventually pass and a brighter time arrives.

Yet just as in the winter it is so hard to remember the feel of the warm sun beating down on your skin, in the dark times we need to remember that God is faithful and He promises to be with us through the darkest of days.”

Of course, after reading such a beautiful analogy, I had to go back and take a picture of the tree branches before all of the frost melted to share with my friend…. And now you.

‘ And surely I am with you always,
to the very end of the age. ’
~ Matthew 28:20

Joyful Surrender

It’s one of those times again…. I have been sensing change on the horizon. The Lord has been doing a work in me. Thankfully, it’s been a gentle work, rather than my whole world crashing in around me as it did a few years ago during Chelsea’s battle with cancer.

This change is different. I am different. I am changed – because of what He showed us those last several years. The things we had to endure were horrible, devastating in many ways. Yet at the same time, we got to see the Lord move in a magnificent way.

So now, I trust Him.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I am at peace. There is a contentment even, in knowing that I don’t have to worry. God knows what I need better than I do. My focus simply needs to be on focussing on what is right and true, remembering the promises in His word. (Jer 29:11, Prov. 3:5,6 and so many more…) This time of year, when it’s so easy to get caught up in the chaos.... keeping the main thing the main thing is more important than ever.

Today is a new day.

I will face it surrendered, and with much JOY.

CHRISTMAS JOY.

New Every Morning

So there I am this morning, sitting on this perfect bench. Enjoying the serenity of the crisp fall morning. The geese had spent some time diving for breakfast, and now had moved over to more shallow ground. The fish have begun their breakfast as well, and I watch as several leap out of the air, only to fall back making a most delightful splash. Some are close enough that it seems I can hear the slap as their bodies hit the water. It makes me wish Jeff were sitting here with me, since he is the mighty fisherman and all.

I hadn’t been out of the house much last week due to ‘the crud’, but this morning I had to be up early, not only to get my Monkey to school and prepped for school pictures, but to be at the school to have my picture taken. You see, I get a fancy volunteer badge to wear on the days I go in to help in her class. Monkey is especially excited about this ‘offiical identity’ I will have, and she hopes that I get the gray background like she chose to have for her pictures this year. She makes me giggle. (Side note: So how come we didn’t ever get to chose colors and backgrounds for our pictures?)


So having had cabin fever the last several days made this morning especially nice. I had expected rain, so to have sunshine was a sweet treat, and it was my intention to soak up as much of it as I could.


The park was quiet except for the wildlife. It was perfect. I sat there praising and thanking the Lord for my family. As I’m thinking about Jeff, I get a sweet text from him. Have I mentioned that the Lord’s timing is perfect?


After having sat there for a while, I reluctantly got up to head home, mentally motivating myself with my to do list. Yes, I have simplified things, but I still have lists with much to do, lol.


I start walking down the path, and am approached by this sweet old looking dog named Ernie. I notice that Ernie only has 3 legs. Poor old fella. Ernie’s person isn’t far behind with 4 more rescue dogs circling around her, one even being pulled in a wagon because he was abused and can’t walk much. As I’m petting Ernie’s head, it’s then that I learn that Ernie had lost his back left leg to bone cancer 6 months ago and it has now spread to his lungs. Ernie is 12.


The similarities (yes, I realize Ernie is a dog…) hit me like a brick, and I am flooded with memories and emotions of my Chelsea Rae. Left leg (she was going to have her femur removed), spread to lungs, 13 years old.


And he looks up with me with those sweet, big brown eyes.


“Really?” (insert sarcastic tone here)


No, I didn’t say it out loud, that’s the only word that describes my mindset. Did I mention that I was hit by a brick? Yeah… make that a ton of bricks.


Did I mention that God’s timing is perfect?? Yeah, so maybe not sometimes.

Okay, maybe I don’t always ‘feel’ like His timing is perfect…. But His timing really is perfect. Trusting in that truth, I surrender. I decide not to step back up on my pity pot, but instead, I brace myself for what’s to come.

My agenda for the day has come to a screeching halt. Oh, I will still get some things done, but my mental state will be focussed on so much more. It has slowed me down, but that’s a good thing. As I dig into His word I will be refreshed. Already, from a simple facebook update, I have been encouraged and loved, and the simple compassion that others have towards me brings me to tears. There is nothing quite as rewarding as being genuinely, unconditionally loved.

And if  they ’love me that much – then how much more does my heavenly Father love me?

Enough to send His one and only Son on my behalf. He knows and understands my pain even more than I do. I am thankful that I have the peace that only He can bring.

And I will continue to praise Him.

"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not

As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

 "Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—

"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

       ~Thomas O. Chisholm (1866-1960)

He Has My Attention

I guess it’s come to the point where I have to wonder what to write about. Sure, I could fill these pages with the fluff of all the activities we have going on…. Details of our camping trips, how I learned how to can tuna, upcoming plans, how Kate loves preschool, how she was a flower girl again –

But really, other than the common update, what purpose would it serve? Yes, there are family members who would love such updates – and I hope I get better and more consistent at getting those to them. Yet there are also those who read this that such things are just more details in an already overwhelmingly busy life where time is short.

So if I’m going to write, shouldn’t I write about something of importance?

It’s the middle of the night here and sleep is fleeting. Curled up next to me is the cutest red headed toddler you could ever meet. As she tosses and turns, and whimpers for her mom every once in a while – it makes me ponder. You see, mom is spending the night in a Cardiac Critical Care Unit at a local hospital. Plain and simple, it’s just wrong that mom is there. I don’t get it.

As I was walking through the waiting room this evening, I overheard a lady speaking on the phone. Today she had to give CPR on a loved one, and in those moments she still didn’t know the outcome. Her face was puffy, and her body screamed of exhaustion.

Another lady sits in the back of her dark house, sick from chemo, waiting for dinner to arrive because she doesn’t have the strength to care for herself. Having to ask for help is humbling and hard for her.

Down the street, a dear friend mourns the loss of her only son – he was my age – who was murdered by the man who had been his step dad for the last 30 years. In the same day, she lost her son… and her husband. If that weren’t hard enough, husband was her full time caregiver as she is wheelchair bound, fighting for her life as she battles Leukemia and Diabetes.

Down the street a little farther is a woman we love, who also is fighting cancer, now for the second time this year. She’s not fighting the fight for herself – she’s tired and it’s hard. She’s fighting the fight for her son who needs his mommy.

A couple that we love gave birth to their first daughter last week. On that same day, the father’s close friend of many years was fatally hit on the highway while helping a teenager who had just hit an elk. He was the father to a young child, with another on the way.

And these are just a few of the most recent stories in my life alone. You have stories that you know of right now. It can be overwhelming to say the least. Times are hard.

For me personally, Chelsea’s birthday is right around the corner. She’d be turning 15. If she were here, life would be all about studying for her driver’s permit and boys. I miss my baby terribly.

All of these things make my heart heavy, yet I’m okay. I’m good even. I’ve learned early on that life isn’t easy, that there is going to be heartaches and struggles. Yet it is these things that mold me, that make me who I am, and cause me to wonder about what life is all about.

What is our purpose here? What are our goals? Are we so busy trying to establish ourselves and achieving our titles that the world just passes by around us? Or are we impacting those around us – encouraging and loving them? If you were to look at things from an eternal perspective, what would you see? In the end, is everything that you worked so hard for worth it?

Maybe it is. I’m not saying it’s not. I do know that value of hard work, and by no means am I promoting laziness. But do you ever wonder just what you will be remembered for?

For me, tonight, I see that life here on earth is short – yet somehow long at the same time.
I realize that I can’t do anything in my own strength and more than ever I need God in my life to carry me through.

And He does, and because He does, I have peace - even in the midst of all this.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~ Romans 8:28

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ~ Romans 8:35

… who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ~ 2 Corinthians 1:4

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6 Month Milestone

So today marks the 6 month anniversary since Chelsea Rae went home to be with Jesus and close to the one year point of the initial diagnosis. In the book of Joshua, he demonstrates the importance of building/leaving monuments and remembering God‘s faithfulness. So that’s what I’m going to do today. I’ve been doing some reflecting, and I smile as I remember my girl. I’m including some of my favorite “Chelsea Quotes” as well as some more phone clips…. and a poem that is everything I’d love to say and didn’t know how. Enjoy!

From Chelsea Rae’s journey:

"Don't worry about a thing, the Lord WILL get us through this, we just need to trust in HIM. LOVE YA LOTS!!!"

“I love you guys, and may the LORD bless your socks off 24/7!!! And remember, ALWAYS trust in HIM. Thanks again. Chat with ya later!!!

~Chelsea Rae (who loves bright green even more than pink.....)”

“ooxxooXoXXx (for those Nacho Libre fans!)”

“Please pray that I can put all my trust in God and in Him alone.”

“Thank you sooo much 4 all of the encouraging scriptures. Here is one of my favorites... Matthew 13:44 "The kingdom of is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."
In this parable the man is like Jesus Christ, who went and gave EVERYTHING He had by dying on the cross to save US from OUR sins. He did it because He loves EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US!!! Even if there was only one person in the whole world, He still would have done it because HE CARES.”

“Thank u all sooo much 4 the prayers and encouragement. The Lord is comforting us and it is great 2 know that I get 2 go b with him 4 eternity.”

“Don’t be sad, God doesn’t want you to fix this or you would.” She knew how as parents we felt so hopeless that we couldn‘t make her better, and yet she was the one who’s faith encouraged me.

Remembering
Go ahead and mention my child
The one that died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
the depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
the tears I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she is missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
(by Elizabeth Dent)

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Tis the Season

We had an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving. This year, the family decided to change things up a bit and we gathered with friends and put together a large dinner at our church, about 7 turkeys & 2 hams worth. The big kitchen was full of giggles which made the hard work seem like play. Keeping busy kept Jeff and me from pondering too much over Chelsea’s absence. Being surrounded with loved ones made the day sweeter than the sweet potatoes that were covered with brown sugar and marshmallows.

But now I see signs of Christmas everywhere. For a while, I was having a really hard time with the upcoming holiday - though my soul is constantly reminded that Christmas isn’t about me. Yes, there are many traditions that we shared with our girl, and it’s going to be different and difficult. I’m not even going to attempt looking at our ornaments - too many have her name on them or were made by her. But I am going to focus on what Christmas is all about: Celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.

With that, I can let go of the emotional fears, the pain. I can celebrate - for because of Jesus, I will be reunited with my daughter someday. This hope brings peace.

And Kati girl brings JOY. Much joy. She is the perfect age to get excited about Christmas, and I find myself getting excited with her. She wants a tree. She’ll love the lights daddy puts up. I look forward to the new memories that we will be making, and I am so thankful for my precious gift of a daughter. Things would be so lonely right now without her.

I love the crisp air and the sounds of Christmas - to drive down the streets and see the lights already. Even something as simple as decorating my MySpace page helped me to realize just how much I love Christmas - no matter what I’m going through.

So I will remember that Christmas wasn’t established to celebrate us and all that we desire, and the hustle and bustle of it all, though that is what it has become in our culture. Rather, it is to celebrate the simple and humble message of Christ, and a thankfulness for all that I have been given because of Him.

Keeping Christmas simple, and appreciating it more than ever.
I am blessed.

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Endorphins, the BEST Medicine!

One Day at a Time…
…. One moment at a time….
…. One second at a time…..

What a weird couple of weeks this has been. I have totally been feeling out of sorts to say the least. I had had a couple of weeks of migraine relief which was so nice. Then last week, it hit hard and fast and had me down for several days. Those days were really tough, probably the toughest yet in all this.

So I keep looking for those little things that make me smile. God promises to always meet us, to never give us more than we can bear. He is faithful. I have to admit though, on those days that I’m in a “funk”, I don’t really see the little things through all my tears. But guess what? He counts those too. When I think I get so far from Him, I realize how close He really is. It’s in those times that I have to trust, to walk in faith.

Little things make me smile. A kind word of encouragement, a kiss on the cheek from a friend, the sound of my fountain and wind chimes, Kati’s giggles. My puppy makes me smile… lots! He’s so soft and cuddly and all he wants is to be close to me. Watching my dogs play, growling like bears (appropriate since the pup looks almost like a mini polar bear at times). Okay, with that one, I’m not just smiling… I’m full out laughing, sometimes on the floor even! Helping with the men’s breakfast at church, or preparing to dig into the Angel Tree project. Hearing positive updates from other kids with cancer. Brand new babies and lunches with friends. Really good coffee made by really sweet ladies (snicker doodle with a dash of cinnamon is my most recent flavor fave - add an extra shot, would ya?)

Kati’s preschool paintings. Now there’s something that really makes me smile. This lil’ girl loves to paint and recently came home with the most beautiful picture of the ocean - fish and all! Or her excitement for her birthday party coming up. If you really want to grin, you should hear her and our neighbor’s sweet lil’ ones giggling and singing together. Stinkin’ cute I tell ya! And when I reflect on how our neighborhood used to be just a few years ago compared to now, I smile. Before Kati, there weren’t small children, now we are surrounded with lil’ playmates for her. And what great neighbors we have all around… good friendships have been developing these last few years, and for that I am thankful.

If I get the focus off myself and my pain, then there is much joy in the simple things. I have to remember that Chelsea doesn’t have pain anymore and she would want me to smile (why that brings guilt, I’ll never know…).

So then, I have to wonder… does anyone relate?
When you’re having a rough go of things, as we all do - what types of things make you smile?

Please leave a comment - it will make me smile!
(but know that it does take a while to post - I have a filter set, so it takes a lil’ longer… but don’t let that stop ya : )

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Riding on the River

As Salt Creek Falls plunges 286 ft over a cliff at a velocity that could crush cars, so do my emotional breakdowns. Lovely of me to share, don’t you think?

I have recently been inspired by my friend Lori’s transparencies on her blog (The Next Chapter) and they hit so close to home. Actually, it was somewhat relieving to read her post, for here is this wonderful woman, who seems to have it all together, and yet she struggles just like me. God is good to have brought us together.

This week so far has been difficult for me. Physically I feel as if I have been hit by a bus. Emotionally I am on that never ending, twisting, turning, rising, falling rollercoaster… or I should say river - and just when I get comfortable I go plummeting over the falls, crashing on the rocks below.

Little things set me off. Last night, I couldn’t even manage to ride through the McDonald’s drive through when my friend wanted to grab me an ice tea, before we headed to her boys' football practice. She completely understood, but I felt so pathetic. The idea of shopping at Walmart makes my tummy flop, for Chelsea loved Walmart. I cry at glimpse of an HGTV commercial and find myself constantly “sniffing” things hoping for a small whiff of my girl. The other night, I found myself standing in her doorway desperately trying to just imagine she was there in bed and I was simply doing my nightly check. She loved to be checked on after she went to bed. The list goes on and on.

I am tormented by those things that I want to forget (the struggles), and yet already forget those things that I want to remember. But I know this is normal. This is part of the process. My aunt so sweetly gave the picture of how Spring always follows Autumn. I love that.

Yet as hard as this is, I also recognize things that bring JOY as well. Time in prayer and in the Word bring JOY. Worship brings JOY. Being in a van with Jr. High football players, an elementary cheerleader and my friend bring JOY (even with a migraine if you can believe it!). Cuddling with Kati brings JOY. Hugs from Chelsea’s friends bring JOY. Knowing that I am loved and supported through this with no expectations brings JOY.
And with the JOY, also comes PEACE.

And the Lord whispers, “Just rest, I’ve got you. ”

Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,A very present help in trouble.2 Therefore we will not fear,Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;3 Though its waters roar and be troubled,Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah 4 There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God,The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.5 God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved;God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.6 The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved;He uttered His voice, the earth melted. 7 The LORD of hosts is with us;The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah 8 Come, behold the works of the LORD,Who has made desolations in the earth.9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two; He burns the chariot in the fire. 10 Be still, and know that I am God;I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! 11 The LORD of hosts is with us;The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

Pondering on Psalm 37:4

To delight - to take great pleasure or joy.

Today, this is my focus. To delight in the Lord. I find that I have no other choice. To focus on me only causes me to get lost in the jumble of feelings and emotions that seem to overwhelm. To focus on my loss only causes an ache that goes deep - so deep that I feel as if I will drown.

But how do take great pleasure or joy in the Lord during such times? Simply by trusting Him every moment... or even every second. Each day we have choices - to choose God or to choose the ways of this world which revolve around ourselves. My past experiences make this an easy choice. When I choose to focus on me, what I want, what I think I need.... I am always left unsatisfied and miserable. It never fails, and the pit of depression that follows is dark to say the least.

Yet when I focus on God and His truths - I am filled with that peace that surpasses all understanding. Where I disregard common sense for spiritual sense. Where God guides, God provides - He always has, He always will. Just because times are hard right now is no reason to forget that truth. He is faithful - even when my faith is small.

So there are times these days where my faith is small. I can't say that I'm very fond of the grieving process - and this is by far the most difficult grieving I've ever faced. But God is good - He has surrounded me with loved ones who are eager to come alongside. I know we are not alone, and I know in time I will look forward to what the future holds.

....And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

For now, I will try and gain just a simple sense of normalcy. Bit by bit we are getting our home back in order. I even enjoyed going through Chelsea's clothes from her shopping spree to send with the Youth Group that headed to Mexico this last week. Chelsea had wanted to contribute part of her wish to charity, but didn't ever find one that seemed right. Little did she know that she was hand choosing those sassy clothes for those in need. This definitely would be what she would have wanted, and I smile as I consider that God knew - even as she was picking out each item - where they were going. She was contributing, she just didn't know it.

So there it is. My first blog on here. For those of you who choose to endure my ramblings, please feel free to comment. They won't post right away, so don't be alarmed (Aunt Kari) if it takes a while before you see it. I haven't determined how to receive email notifications when I post a new blog, so if this is something you are familiar with, please leave a comment for others who may be interested. Until then, just keep the link and check back.