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Thursday, August 16, 2007

Riding on the River

As Salt Creek Falls plunges 286 ft over a cliff at a velocity that could crush cars, so do my emotional breakdowns. Lovely of me to share, don’t you think?
I have recently been inspired by my friend Lori’s transparencies on her blog (The Next Chapter) and they hit so close to home. Actually, it was somewhat relieving to read her post, for here is this wonderful woman, who seems to have it all together, and yet she struggles just like me. God is good to have brought us together.

This week so far has been difficult for me. Physically I feel as if I have been hit by a bus. Emotionally I am on that never ending, twisting, turning, rising, falling rollercoaster… or I should say river - and just when I get comfortable I go plummeting over the falls, crashing on the rocks below.

Little things set me off. Last night, I couldn’t even manage to ride through the McDonald’s drive through when my friend wanted to grab me an ice tea, before we headed to her boys' football practice. She completely understood, but I felt so pathetic. The idea of shopping at Walmart makes my tummy flop, for Chelsea loved Walmart. I cry at glimpse of an HGTV commercial and find myself constantly “sniffing” things hoping for a small whiff of my girl. The other night, I found myself standing in her doorway desperately trying to just imagine she was there in bed and I was simply doing my nightly check. She loved to be checked on after she went to bed. The list goes on and on.

I am tormented by those things that I want to forget (the struggles), and yet already forget those things that I want to remember. But I know this is normal. This is part of the process. My aunt so sweetly gave the picture of how Spring always follows Autumn. I love that.

Yet as hard as this is, I also recognize things that bring JOY as well. Time in prayer and in the Word bring JOY. Worship brings JOY. Being in a van with Jr. High football players, an elementary cheerleader and my friend bring JOY (even with a migraine if you can believe it!). Cuddling with Kati brings JOY. Hugs from Chelsea’s friends bring JOY. Knowing that I am loved and supported through this with no expectations brings JOY.
And with the JOY, also comes PEACE.

And the Lord whispers, “Just rest, I’ve got you.

Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,A very present help in trouble.2 Therefore we will not fear,Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;3 Though its waters roar and be troubled,Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah 4 There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God,The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.5 God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved;God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.6 The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved;He uttered His voice, the earth melted. 7 The LORD of hosts is with us;The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah 8 Come, behold the works of the LORD,Who has made desolations in the earth.9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two; He burns the chariot in the fire. 10 Be still, and know that I am God;I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! 11 The LORD of hosts is with us;The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

3 comments:

Lori said...

To think I have inspired you is a gift indeed. I think it's actually the other way around.

I wasn't sure if sharing the toughest moments of grief would be a useful venture. Do people really want to hear about that? Will it evoke more pitiful sympathy stares?

But I found it somehow cathardic to get my feelings out for anyone to consume. (I've said this is time for everyone to play online therapists.) I hope you too find it good to let it out.

I wish that we had met under different circumstances and that our sisterhood was forged from a different set of experiences. But I thank God that He brought you into my life. And I am so thankful that even if no one else "gets it", you and I do.

I'm praying for you! Not that you would be free of the tough times because Chelsea lives on in those memories. But that you would be comforted as you endure those tough times. And that God would help you to remember the best memories of your dear daughter and let the others fade peacefully to the background.

Anonymous said...

I love you celeste!


~Chrissy

Emily Peterson said...

Hi Celeste! How great it was to see you yesterday and give you a hug! I had been waiting for that! I love you soooooo much and continue to pray for you. I hurt knowing that you hurt so bad. Just remember that God is the one who Comforts us and gets us through ALL things. You have always been an encouragement in my life, ever since you were my Sunday school teacher. And, I thank you for that, for helping me know Jesus better. I remember at Chelsea's birthday party that one year, it was too late to call my parents to say goodnight and to say prayers. I was upset since I wanted to say prayers with them before I went to sleep. But then, you helped me. You took me into Chelsea's room and you said prayers with me. You've been a major blessing in my life and continue to, I love you. Love, Emily
Jeremiah 29:7 And seek the peace of the city where I have caused you to be carried away captive, and pray to the LORD for it; for in its peace you will have peace.